surgery #3

Juney,

I sent you a PM.

Cheryl

Look at my avatar Juney, it's all for you...

juney wrote:things are really bad right now. the pain is bad everyday no matter what the BM is like. it's exactly the same as it has been for 3 years now. i'm taking so many laxatives and softeners and nothing helps. i still rip and bleed at almost every BM and even if i don't feel the tear the pain is horrible for the rest of the day.
i have an appt to remove a hemmorhoid that might be causing swelling and inflammation but i don't have much hope that'll make things better. in fact after all my sh*tty experiences i'm sure it'll make things worse.

i'm so depressed i can barely function. i'm a zombie at my new job and when i'm home i cry all the time. i've been thinking about suicide everyday lately. my dr switched my antidepressants again but i doubt that will help. i'm so exhausted with all of this and i can't imagine the rest of my life this way. i know it could be worse but even thinking that doesn't help b/c this is my life and it sucks. everyday is a neverending nightmare from the minute i wake up. i just want to give up.

i don't think i'm going to check in much anymore. it's too depressing for me hearing about everyone else healing when nothing has worked for me. it's not fair.

You are so right Juney, it's not fair and I do understand that you feel like a zombie and want to check out...this kind of pain is life wrecking!

Is it an option to have a colostomy bag? I have dreamed about that so many times in my life...Having digestive problems for years - analproblems/pain makes you dream about such things. Wouldn't that remove your problem? Pain?

Sweet Juney, don't give up... Corsi

i'm in therapy, taking wellbutrin twice a day, and have become bulimic in the past couple months. i'd rather throw everything up than have it come out the other end.

this hell has ruined my life since i was 23 and doesn't show any signs of improving. i've tried so hard to be positive for YEARS and i'm just F*ING sick of it.

good luck to everyone and congrats to those who have healed...and thanks to everyone for your thoughts and support. it just seems really pointless now.

Juney-baby - don't scare me like that !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What do you mean it is pointless ???? You never went to see better CRS and if all fails you have colostomy bag option but I am soooo sure it will not be necessary ! Please have faith , dear Juney - it is sooo, soooo unbelievably unfair that you have to suffer , but you are not alone at all (I know it is not comforting fact at all - just wanting you not to feel alone or as freak case !!!!!). I am so terribly sorry to hear about your bulimia but I am proud of you for finding the strength to take it under control and you will get that stupid butt under control too dear Juney - just give it some more time - remember how you were almost healed just couple of months ago !!!!!???? It can happen again and it WILL !!!! I know that you think that it is easy for me to "preach" now that I have no butt-pain - but I know what desperation is and I know in what dark place one can be when life is happening to the whole world and not us - but once we heal we see that all is possible - really !!!! I am the living proof Juney - sometimes I wonder if that is the mission that was given to me - to get the most bizarre and rare conditions , suffer and than heal as an example to others that it CAN happen. I wish my destiny was more merciful to me but still - we just have to make the best out of it and have endless hope and stamina - just to spite the heavens , I guess .

Stay strong, Juney - your whole life is ahead of you - even if you need one more year to heal - you have at least 50 to live - I say - at least ; )) !

Sending you big hug and tons of healing thoughts

Ooo Juney please think about what you are doing before vomiting up your food
Just a few to mention –
Cardiac arrest/ heart attack
Tooth decay/ loss of enamel
Stomach ulcers
Irritation of the esophagus/esophageal rupture

You must get the help you need, there just has to be another way Juney !
An eating disorder like this will knock the body is out of sync, You will never ever heal doing that to your body, it is detrimental and will take a very very long time to gain back the balance the longer you do this…
I feel your pain sweetheart but this is no way please find a good CRS , Mayos ?
Look after your body please..

Please don't give into this. You have so many other avenues to try. I still think there is something interferring with your ability to heal and the bulimia is going to make it worse because you wont be getting the nutrients you need to repair the tissue.

Can you look into cymbalta and neuropathic pain as a possibility? You have to keep fighting this. If I can do it, you can too. Please tell your parents how desperate things have become and ask them to help you find another doctor. Maybe Fissy's doctor?

It's never pointless, Juney. Never. It is matter of finding out just why TF you aren't getting any better. I believe that there are specialists out there that have more insight and more dedication than others. You have to keep looking.
I don't want to sound like a broken record, but Fissy, Tabby and Tootie are right. What you are doing can only cause things to spiral out of control.

Have you seen any strictly pain-management specialists? If not that is one route you should seriously look into. I don't know, but even living with a colostomy for a few months in order to give your butt a break and a chance to heal might be a serious option. It might give you a break from the pain and it can be reversed, you'd have a small scar and that's it. I am only guessing at things because you are at the end of your rope.
It sounds like things *have* to be resolved in some fashion and you need to drive some doctors and specialists just crazy until they make concerted efforts to resolve your crisis. And it is a crisis, most of us here know at least something of the pain and mental anguish that comes from this daily hell. Your anguish scares me, certainly scares us all and makes us feel helpless and for the most part we are helpless excpet to say we know.

We know.

Keep trying to find a specialist that also knows.

Juney
Have you talked with your parents about this?
I am happy to hear you are in theraphy, but remember it's not a quick fix - it takes time.

If this is ruining your life I would check out the possibilities to have a coolstomy bag...at least for a while.

You are in my thoughts Juney

Corsi

I agree with what Kim said. Having had an eating disorder in the past, I will also second what Tabby says. I lost 15 pounds because I was so afraid of what to eat, so I can understand how you are feeling. We aren't professionals and are only sharing our experiences. You are young with your whole life ahead of you. I hope you get the help you need very soon.

Dear Juney,
Im so sorry juney.I really feel for you.It is unfair and u dont deserve it.But please please get help since you are feeling so low.As kim has mentioned,please try to find a good doctor.why dont you find out from others on this board whom they recommend.not sure where u live.Dont give up now.There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Please dont throw up ur food juney.you need good nutrition and tabby has mentioned the risks.
Please talk to someone.
You are in my prayers

unfortunately i always post when i feel the most despair. it sucks b/c i do have good days here and there, but don't bother to post when i'm having a good day b/c i'm superstitious and feel like i'll wreck something faster than it would get wrecked anyway.

i do have supportive friends and family (away from the internet) who know about my mental anguish and physical pain. my mom also knows about the bulimia and has been encouraging me to stop puking.
i know i have some serious mental problems as a result of all this butt sh*t. i've let it control me for so long. i know other people deal better with this but it's just gotten the best of me. i'm definitely optimistic about the combo of therapy and medication.

anyway i'm sorry my posts are sporadic and completely depressing. i'll try to post more optimistic every once in awhile.

juney wrote: b/c i'm superstitious and feel like i'll wreck something faster than it would get wrecked anyway.

We all feel that way Juney...

Take care

No, don't apologize Juney, that's what we're here for! Just don't scare us too badly, I was seriously considering hari-kiri watch!

Sometimes we ALL need that padded cell for a while!

Glad you do have some good days to break up that foul perspective!

I hope you can stop that bulimia soon, Juney. I recently read some stuff about mental outlook affecting physical pain. I think I will try to paraphrase it for you and some of the others. It is what I had always believed for a long time, but now I read it in print in a book.