surgery #3

Juney et al,

Here goes with the paraphrasing:

There is a vicious cycle. We feel pain for our physical debility, that pain amplifies our sense of hopelessness, the less hopeful we feel, the fewer endorphins and enkephalins we release, the more pain we experience due to these neurochemicals, and the less able we are to feel hope. To break that cycle is key. It can be broken by the first spark of hope: Hope sets off a chain reaction. Hope tempers pain, and as we sense less pain, that feeling of hope expands, which further reduces pain. As pain subsides, a significant obstacle to enduring a harsh but necessary therapy is removed.

From the book Anatomy of Hope by Jerome Groopman. I would highly recommend reading it.

Cheryl !

Glad you have the support Juney, its what will get you through this ..

thanks for the info cheryl...that completely makes sense b/c i see that cycle in myself and many others dealing with long-term pain.

i still with daily soreness 6-8 hours after BM, but nothing bad enough to rush me to the dr. i've had quite a few days of feeling good, marred by another bad day recently. i have an appt w/ new specialist out of town next month. i may let him poke and prod a little to see what's going on, but we'll see how i feel. will probably rip me a new one like they all do. f*@# drs.

i've doubled the wellbutrin and the OTC pain meds and am hoping that combo enables me to forget about the annoying pain and get back the hopeful feeling i've been missing for so long.

on another note, i haven't binged and purged since last friday, so that's progress i suppose. i've also gained 5 lbs in the past few months. damn.

Juney -

It is so nice to hear you a little more upbeat about things. I am so glad you are seeing a new CRS soon - thats great news! Let me know what happens with that!

I hope all is well and don't feel bad about gaining 5 lbs - I am sure you still have the cutest little figure!

I know how hard it can be, Juney. I am glad you have some good days and you can hold on to those when things seems hopeless.

I do worry about your concern over gaining 5 pounds since you stopped purging. Your body needs some reserves to fight this and be healthy. I had an eating disorder for 7 years so I understand how it is. Is your bulimia more in response to your fissure/butt problems or life in general/coping mechanism or body issue problems? You don't have to answer I just want to make sure you are talking to your therapist about all of this.

hi juney,

i too in my going into the fourth year felt desperate and hopeless and just out of options despite not having even considered the LIS just knowing that wasn't what i wanted to do.

i hope the wellbutrin is working and i am currently taking a muscle relaxant (for an auto accident almost three years ago). i had read about it - cyclobenzaprine - and wonder if anyone else has tried it.

like you, i had the pain tango and i would have some very good days, some good days, and then it seemed like a setback with pain mostly that would just erase any good days i had.

the good thing from what i remember, is that you rarely had good days so it is refreshing to read that you can state that and that perhaps you are getting to the top of that hill where pretty soon you will be over the worst, and you will have easy coasting in the future.

i've gained like 15 pounds working at my new job and thus has taken me away from this board for the last six months...now that my conference is over, i have to work on working off those 15 pounds.

i desperately want to go back to macrobiotics.

yah, happy, now that i'm finishing the 3rd year of pain from this, i'm more hopeless than ever. it has literally ruined my life and now that it's been so long, i don't see myself bouncing back from this.
the wellbutrin doesn't seem to be helping, but then i've only been on the double-dose for 2 weeks now...i know i have to give it more time.
my a** is so sore. i have a few good days here and there and then something out of the blue ruins it (and the most frustrating thing is i have NO IDEA what!!!!) i do everything right, eat everything right, take such good care of myself and nothing i do has ever made a difference. it's so frustrating.

Oh, Gareth, back on the weight-gain/loss yo-yo? Some things never change!


Maybe you can take heart in Happy's long-term hell and know that you aren't the only one who has endured such pain for such a long length of time, Juney. I hope the extra Wellbutrin can have an impact.

I wonder if perhaps (and this is just taking a wild guess) your transit time for food is slower than normal and perhaps it was food two days prior to the BM that could be causing the disturbances...though you do say you are extra careful... but just a suggestion to think a bit further back in time for sources if you aren't already!

juney wrote: i have a few good days here and there and then something out of the blue ruins it (and the most frustrating thing is i have NO IDEA what!!!!) i do everything right, eat everything right, take such good care of myself and nothing i do has ever made a difference. it's so frustrating.

That is so frustrating Juney and something we can relate to... I feel for you sweetie

Corsi

the only upsetting thing is that i've had 3 surgeries and happy ultimately didn't need any. there's just something wrong with my body and i'll have to deal w/ this forever i suppose. i'm not counting on the new dr to offer any answers in july, but we'll see. i don't even want to go, i know he'll just rip me a new one.

and kim, i'm sooooooooooooo sick of monitoring/obsessing about/worrying/watching everything i eat. i've been doing that for almost 3 years now, lost 20 lbs on an already slim frame since then, and still never healed. my obsession with food is almost more problematic than my a** pain at this point, so i don't think overanalyzing everything even more will help. maybe for people who are just starting out that's key, but my diet is so limited as a result of this that i know it's nothing i'm eating. SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Oh, Juney! Yes, you are diet obsessed...just hate that you have pain so often and wanted to suggest something, but I agree, at some point you have to just eat what you think is best and leave the rest to your body.

I hate that you have gotten so thin, but I do hope that the B/P thing is over and you are retaining what you do eat.

We are all thinking of you and just know as our most hardcore non-healer, your time will come,

someone...

somewhere...

will have a lightbulb moment and you will find your path to life without butt pain!

thanks kim. you're an amazing source of support for this group.

hang in their juney. i have had set backs too. it can be so frustrating. but the body has a miraculous way of healing itself. i have been meditating more, doing yoga more, eating the same ol and while i still have bad days, i make sure i have room for the good ones.

all my best!

erik

big hugs to you juney.

please don't think there is something wrong with your body. your body is working as it should be.

everything will come together for you.

thanks eric and gareth. you guys are great. unfortunately it's not just little "setbacks" for me, it's pretty much the norm. having good days/weeks is rare. today is excruciatingly painful and it's really worrying me. i feel like my anal canal is completely swollen and it hurts when i walk, sit, stand, everything.... i'm at work and i don't know how i'll make it thru the day. my mom is at home calling every CRS in the area. we're going to try and schedule as many appts as possible. SOMEONE has to be able to help me. i havent' seen enough drs to give up, even though that's what i want to do. why have i never healed?! what is wrong with me!? can this go on forever?? i haven't been able to stop crying for the past 4 days